This is why I don't like telling people where I work!

It's so I can complain anonymously about my boss! I was looking at before and after pictures of some celebrity who recently lost weight and my boss comes by my desk at looks at my computer screen. He says, "That can't be the same person! How could they balloon up like that?" This from a man who never takes a lunch break and because he is very slim, I believe he doesn't eat properly. He wasn't always so slim. He has chubby cheeks in his college graduation photo!

Anyway, I'm just a bit sensitive today. I was exposed to some of my mother's disapproval yesterday and it set me off on a tangent. The only way we can have a relationship is if she doesn't talk about the things she doesn't like about me and I don't talk about the things I don't like about her and dad. My mother and I have been having telephone conversations lately which have been pleasant. This led to the belief that we could meet in person and still have the same connection that we had been enjoying. Not so! When you meet in person one's facial expressions get put into the mix. It is no longer two people being verbally self-controlled. Now we have to control our entire bodies. I guess you can't always control your facial expressions, though. That's what started it off. I saw that she was displeased with something and when I asked her what was wrong, she declined to give me details saying that she thought I would be offended. She's usually right when it comes to that, so I tried to just let it go. Later, though, I was really bothered by the fact that I had displeased my mother and I was totally clueless. Knowing her it could have been my nail polish or makeup (when I was growing up my parent's church didn't believe in women wearing makeup) or the fact that I have two tattoos that I don't always cover up. I could not think what it was. Turns out it was because my mother thought my neckline was cut too low. I thought I had stopped caring what my mother thought years ago, but that's not so and is one of many reasons why I am in therapy.

I went off on mom saying that we can have a relationship only if we limit the topics of our conversation. She said she thought she was doing that. I thought it was a mind fuck. Start to say something and cut yourself so you can mess with the other person's head. In truth, I can't imagine my mother ever doing that. She tells it like it is and does not pull any punches. I'm not saying she is not tactful, but she is clear about where she stands.

It really touched a sore spot, though. You see, I grew up with my mother scolding my older sister and me about the clothes we wore by repeatedly saying, "Do you want to tempt your father?" We were taught that our father needed his world censured to "avoid temptation". This meant tearing out all underwear ads from the newspaper and all catalogs. I, myself, remember doing this with gusto, because it was the right thing to do. There was no reason to tell anyone that my mother thought we could tempt our father sexually so I never got an outside opinion on the subject. As an adult looking back, I think: "Who is sexually attracted to their young daughters?" Anyway, my mother does not remember saying this to my sister and me. I know it is true, though, because I asked my brother if he remembered it and he said he did. Anyway, after cooling down, I apologized to my mother for saying she had given me a mind fuck. It was exactly how I felt but, in retrospect, she didn't do anything wrong, so I felt I had come across as a bit harsh.

I was still upset even though I had cooled down. I talked to a friend about it but it didn't help much. I tried to journal about it, but that didn't do much either. I finally called my therapist and asked her for a mantra to focus on relating to this. She suggested: "I am loved even when my mother disapproves." She asked how I felt about that. I said I am thinking, "Loved by who?" She asked if I believed my mother loved me and I said I do. Her suggestion then was: "I am loved by my mother even when she disapproves." This helped some. I went through my meditation books and wrote about some of the ideas for the day. One of those things was this quote by Thomas A'Kempis: "Many things must thou pass by with a deaf ear, and think rather of the things that are for thy peace. It is more profitable to turn away thine eyes from such things as displease thee than to be a slave to contention. " Sounds good, doesn't it? I'm trying to put that in practice.

Hmmmm

Well, I decided to return the brown heels that were a little too big to DSW. In all practicality, high heels are not comfortable and when I want a heel, I tend to go for the 4" kind. In exchange, I found a pair of clogs and a pair of brown dress shoes with a 2" heel. Much more comfortable and manageable. Earlier in the day I visited The Shoe Dept. in Tower City and found a pair of black dress shoes. They were also selling the same type of flip-flops I found there last year, though redesigned a little, so I purchased two brown and two black. I now have several pairs of sandals and three pairs of clogs along with the necessary dress shoes for work, so I am just about set.

The thing is, while I was at DSW in Great Northern Mall, I saw that they have a much larger selection of shoes than what was available at the Crocker Park store. Such beautiful shoes. All in my size. I was nearly crazed with lusting. Yes, that pesky little desiring what you can't have. Thankfully I did not spend my entire paycheck there. But I am going back after next payday to check out the boots they have in the clearance section. I have brown hiking boots but no brown dress boots. I have one pair of black boots, but I wear them so often it would be nice to have another pair or two to switch off with.

When I got home, I realized I needed to organize my closet a little. I had a pair of brown sandals that never were very comfortable (having 3" heels) but were very cute, whose inner soles had become worn. They had pretty bead decorations so I cut the thongs from the soles to recycle the beads for another project. Another pair of sandals I had were off-white in color. The thongs were decorated with beads and seashells. Again, very cute but they didn't have good traction. If you wore them on a wet day in the summer you would be sure to slip on the sidewalk. Not a good thing. Here, too, I separated the thongs from the sole so I could reuse the beads. I had another pair of dress shoes that were very worn and kind of squished from having been under some luggage on the floor of my closet. Those went into the discard pile. I also tossed the shoeboxes the new shoes came in, except for the brown dress shoes as they are a bit snug in the toe area. I have to check and see if they are man-made or leather uppers. If they are leather, they will probably stretch a little, so that would make returning them unnecessary. Man-made uppers don't stretch. I know this from experience. Anyway, these changes made my closet look more tidy and that was what I was going for.

I just finished reading "Creating Myself" by Mia Tyler, daughter of Aerosmith legend Steven Tyler. She has had a pretty crazy life, some of which I can relate to. She is really good at not caring about what others think and I don't do that too well. I like having people's approval, especially if they are in positions of authority. I'm working on that because I want to be making decisions based on what I really want, not what someone else wants me to do.

I took a lot of notes while reading the book. Some really good affirmations were there, along with HOPE! Hope that I don't have to make the same mistakes because I have learned from the ones I made in the past. Why? Because I am older, stronger and wiser. Another saying paraphrased is, "I seldom end up where I wanted to go, but always end up where I needed to be" -- Douglas Adams. Another one that struck me was said by a fellow addict when Mia was in rehab. "Maybe if both of our mothers had been in therapy as young women, neither of us would be here." Makes you think. If others had made different decisions in their lives, how would my life have transpired?

Here is part of a discussion between Mia and one of her counsellors while in rehab addressing things that she had experienced as a little girl:

"You're older now. You are stronger and smarter. And hopefully you can see that you have a choice. You can choose to do nothing and continue as you were before you came here. But then you don't grow. You can't realize your potential. You remain stuck in the past. Or you can acknowledge that what happened to that little girl (you) was bad and painful and wrong and then move on with your life. I'm not saying to forget it happened. You can't ever do that. But don't dwell. Don't let it hurt you forever. In fact, use it to make you stronger."

"Easier said than done," Mia said.

"I didn't say it was easy," replied the counselor.

Yeah, that's what I am learning, too. I am seeing a therapist every two weeks and have been able to talk with her about things I have never spoken about or even journaled about. I had a "little girl incident" happen at work yesterday, so at the end of my session, I told my therapist about it. I said that when my boss lost his temper and did not own his side of things, I feel like crying, crawling under my desk, pulling the chair in front of me to protect me and sucking my thumb for comfort. My therapist asked me what I would do in that situation. I replied that I would bend down and pick up that little girl and comfort her and tell her that I would keep her safe. I would then stand up to my boss who was making an uncomfortable work environment and ask him to change what he is doing. If he wouldn't change, I could leave for a little while so I could be safe. I said that I was afraid I would lose my job if I did that. But really, my boss has been known to back down like a typical bully when people stand up to him. I think it would work out ok. Fortunately, nothing further transpired at the office and this situation did not even materialize.

Leaving my therapist's office, I was playing a Leesville Mix cd in my car and the presence of God was so strong with me. I was crying as I drove out of the parking lot overwhelmed by the grace and love of God who helped me face my fears, talk about them with someone who is safe and followed that up with an extra helping of his love. Very cool! I am grateful!

Feeling better!

Well, my back is finally feeling better two weeks after the massage from hell. I've been using a heating pad as often as I could up until a couple of days ago. I'm finally getting some benefit from stretching. My muscles were so tight that it was not very effective for me to do stretches but I have tried little by little and can now feel the difference.

I have another massage scheduled for this Friday -- Thai massage this time -- with Sarah Chieky. Thai massage incorporates yoga positions and stretches with massage making it a more complete experience for me, especially when I have tight muscles. Sarah seems to know where to massage and just how much pressure to apply. I have never had a problem after a massage with her. Guess I should stick to a good thing instead of whoring around with other massotherapists!

I'm just so grateful to be feeling better. It felt like the pain would never lessen and the muscles would never unclench. All things come in time, right?

Looking forward to Friday and doing my stretches in the meantime....

Poor decision health-wise

I decided I needed a massage on Friday. Unfortunately, I requested a deep tissue massage and now I am paying for it. The massotherapist worked too hard on my lower back and I have been walking stiffly and moving carefully ever since I got home from the massage. I went to a Reiki practitioner today and she worked on me for about half an hour. I feel better in some respects. I always feel calmer after a reiki treatment. The reiki practitioner thinks I might have a pinched nerve. I hope it gets un-pinched soon. Four days of using a heating pad and moving gingerly is enough for me. Next time no deep tissue. Surface massage only!

Fairy Jewelry

On Saturday I attended a delightful class for making fairy jewelry. It was held at a spiritual center on the east side of Cleveland known as Laughing Creek. I initially thought it was really far away because it was on the east side. To me, anything on the east side is really far away. I have a history of getting lost just about any time I go to or past MLK Drive. The traffic is ....well, trafficky and I don't like traffic. I like living in a world where everything goes my way, I have no inconveniences and everyone is kind to me.

Back to the jewelry event. The setting was in an enchanting bookstore which had a view of the laughing creek. There was a small waterfall right outside the windows and a large deck. Maybe some future classes will be held on the deck! We were given our choice of kits containing different kinds of stones. The charm ornaments were all the same, though. We could also supplement our kits with other glass beads, crystals and stones.

I have had some experience with making jewelry before so I did not need much oversight. It seemed that the other women were first timers so they took longer to finish their bracelets.

It was amazing to see how unique our work was to each of us. Different stones appealed to each of us and though we all had the same charms, we incorporated them into the bracelet in different ways. One of the charms was a large filigree star. It was so pretty to look at. It can be used on its own or closed around a stone to act as a holder. I wanted to leave it as it was but when I wore the bracelet, the large star kept stabbing me in the wrist. I had a small stone I liked which I tried to fit to another filigree holder, but that holder was too small. I still had to use super glue to keep the stone in the holder as the stone had uneven sides. I chose light pink pearly beads for my bracelet and accented them with glass beads which had green and pink stripes on them. They reminded me of stick candy.

Since I finished before the rest of the class, I browsed the bookstore. I ended up purchasing two stones there, along with 4 books. It is dangerous for me to be around books. I love to read and learn about new things. These books were about the Gospel of Mary, astrological matters pertaining to the past and future and a book about fairies. I believe in fairies. I really like to just stay in my home, though, so I don't see them very often. The book "Fairies 101" by Doreen Virtue taught about the different types of fairies that there are. The kind that help out in your house are male, though. I'm not big on having guys in my house, even if they are fairies. My cat and I are female and we like having a "Girls Only" life. Anyway, I lost an earring last week and I asked the fairies to help me find it. The book said that fairies love sweets, especially chocolate. I put out a chocolate truffle and asked that I find the earring. We'll see what happens.

"Repentance" for lusting

Well, I'm not really repenting for lusting because that part was fun. It was having to return three beautiful pairs of shoes that I'm sorry about!

I went back to DSW yesterday. Fortunately, I was able to receive full store credit for the shoes even though I could not find my receipt. I was able to find three other pairs of shoes and still had about $3 left on my gift card.

I purchased a pair of sandles -- the sturdy kind that you can go hiking in if you want. They seem really comfortable. I also purchased a pair of black suede clogs. I have been wanting black clogs for a while. I have a pair I found in North Carolina about 5 years ago but they are a yellowish brown so they don't match my clothes very much.

The third pair of shoes I found are brown heels. They, too, are suede. Here's a fashion question: is suede ok to wear year round? It seems to warm to wear in the summer, but the way fashion matters are handled nowadays, it doesn't seem like there are very many rules anymore. Comments?

I still need a pair of black dress shoes. There was a nice suede pair at DSW, but they weren't my size. I think I need to check out the store they have at Great Northern. I have to get a couple of heel inserts for the brown heels as they are just a little big.

Lusting -- It gets you in trouble!

Well, I had an interesting experience on Saturday. I was at CC Salon & Spa where I get my nails done by Chelsea Stash. I decided to head across the street to Crocker Park and visit the MAC store for a new lipstick or lipglass. After purchasing Lychee Luxe (the name of the color I chose) I left to go home. As I walked down the street toward my car I noticed DSW across the street. I decided to check it out. I usually HATE to shop because I have trouble finding clothes and accessories that fit me. I am a full figured woman and the world does not cater to us very much. Unfortunately, I have always been a little bigger than most -- even when I was skinny. I have broad shoulders, an hourglass figure and wide feet with a high arch. This means most jackets don't fit my shoulders, my jeans gap in the back if they fit everywhere else and my shoes are either too tight or too lose. Did I mentioned I have large calves? This means I can't wear most boots. If I wear a shoe-boot, it must have a zipper on the side or my high arch would allow the fit. But this day I thought, "I have heard so many people talk about DSW and I am feeling good!" so I walked right in.

I found 4 pairs of shoes that I love. Unfortunately, the ones I most lusted after turned out to be too small. Did I let this stop me? No! They were in the clearance section and the proper size was not available. I was going to look like a million bucks so I worn them outside, effectively rendering them unable to be returned. Now that I have worn them twice, I have decided to retire them. They are too gorgeous to get rid of, so I think I will make them bookshelf ornaments. I did that with a patent leather pump when I lost one shoe. It looks cute sitting on my shelf holding my cat's catnip. Now it will have cousins.

I miss what could have been....

I'm kind of sad right now. This Facebook experience (still only several days old for me) has been a good experience thus far. I'm seeing how much I missed after leaving my church back in 2004. I left because the pastor was preaching a message against 12 step principles. I don't think it was intended in a bad way. I don't think the pastor has personally been involved in a 12 step group and he was teaching from what he knew. It's just that I have grown up with being told what to think and believe by my father and I don't respond very well when someone speaks out against something that is working for me. I felt that it was too conflicting for me to attend a church that was speaking against something that was very real and good in my life, so I left.

I did what I thought was best. I am trying to accept my path in life as that which my Higher Power has put me on and is walking with me. I'm sad now, though. I was looking through a friend's pictures on Facebook and seeing the various theatre productions he has been in which I have missed makes me miss my old church family. What really sucks is that there was a church split in 1996 and many of my close friends stayed with the denomination and I and my husband stayed with the church which left the denomination. This contributed to the difficulties I experienced in my marriage because I didn't have the same support group I had before. No one did anything wrong. I accept responsibility for my choices. It's only that hindsight is 20/20.

Recently (within the past year or 2, I believe) there was another church split. It appears that almost all of my former friends and acquaintances are now gone from my old church. I visited the church yesterday and saw only a handful of people I knew. This could be a good thing for me -- participating in a church that is having a new start. I miss my old friends, though.

I just joined Facebook

I'm excited about being a part of this community. It's fun to see how many of my friends are a part of this. I don't like the fact that there is no place to have a blog. At least I don't see where it is. I was hoping to consolidate my blogs with my Facebook page.

I put up a bunch of pictures from when I was little. I don't have many pics of me as an adult. I have to go to my brother and see what he has in the archives.

I've been working so much on my Facebook page today that I have "pooped out" so to speak. I can't think anymore so I'm going to go home.

Later!