This is why I don't like telling people where I work!

It's so I can complain anonymously about my boss! I was looking at before and after pictures of some celebrity who recently lost weight and my boss comes by my desk at looks at my computer screen. He says, "That can't be the same person! How could they balloon up like that?" This from a man who never takes a lunch break and because he is very slim, I believe he doesn't eat properly. He wasn't always so slim. He has chubby cheeks in his college graduation photo!

Anyway, I'm just a bit sensitive today. I was exposed to some of my mother's disapproval yesterday and it set me off on a tangent. The only way we can have a relationship is if she doesn't talk about the things she doesn't like about me and I don't talk about the things I don't like about her and dad. My mother and I have been having telephone conversations lately which have been pleasant. This led to the belief that we could meet in person and still have the same connection that we had been enjoying. Not so! When you meet in person one's facial expressions get put into the mix. It is no longer two people being verbally self-controlled. Now we have to control our entire bodies. I guess you can't always control your facial expressions, though. That's what started it off. I saw that she was displeased with something and when I asked her what was wrong, she declined to give me details saying that she thought I would be offended. She's usually right when it comes to that, so I tried to just let it go. Later, though, I was really bothered by the fact that I had displeased my mother and I was totally clueless. Knowing her it could have been my nail polish or makeup (when I was growing up my parent's church didn't believe in women wearing makeup) or the fact that I have two tattoos that I don't always cover up. I could not think what it was. Turns out it was because my mother thought my neckline was cut too low. I thought I had stopped caring what my mother thought years ago, but that's not so and is one of many reasons why I am in therapy.

I went off on mom saying that we can have a relationship only if we limit the topics of our conversation. She said she thought she was doing that. I thought it was a mind fuck. Start to say something and cut yourself so you can mess with the other person's head. In truth, I can't imagine my mother ever doing that. She tells it like it is and does not pull any punches. I'm not saying she is not tactful, but she is clear about where she stands.

It really touched a sore spot, though. You see, I grew up with my mother scolding my older sister and me about the clothes we wore by repeatedly saying, "Do you want to tempt your father?" We were taught that our father needed his world censured to "avoid temptation". This meant tearing out all underwear ads from the newspaper and all catalogs. I, myself, remember doing this with gusto, because it was the right thing to do. There was no reason to tell anyone that my mother thought we could tempt our father sexually so I never got an outside opinion on the subject. As an adult looking back, I think: "Who is sexually attracted to their young daughters?" Anyway, my mother does not remember saying this to my sister and me. I know it is true, though, because I asked my brother if he remembered it and he said he did. Anyway, after cooling down, I apologized to my mother for saying she had given me a mind fuck. It was exactly how I felt but, in retrospect, she didn't do anything wrong, so I felt I had come across as a bit harsh.

I was still upset even though I had cooled down. I talked to a friend about it but it didn't help much. I tried to journal about it, but that didn't do much either. I finally called my therapist and asked her for a mantra to focus on relating to this. She suggested: "I am loved even when my mother disapproves." She asked how I felt about that. I said I am thinking, "Loved by who?" She asked if I believed my mother loved me and I said I do. Her suggestion then was: "I am loved by my mother even when she disapproves." This helped some. I went through my meditation books and wrote about some of the ideas for the day. One of those things was this quote by Thomas A'Kempis: "Many things must thou pass by with a deaf ear, and think rather of the things that are for thy peace. It is more profitable to turn away thine eyes from such things as displease thee than to be a slave to contention. " Sounds good, doesn't it? I'm trying to put that in practice.

Hmmmm

Well, I decided to return the brown heels that were a little too big to DSW. In all practicality, high heels are not comfortable and when I want a heel, I tend to go for the 4" kind. In exchange, I found a pair of clogs and a pair of brown dress shoes with a 2" heel. Much more comfortable and manageable. Earlier in the day I visited The Shoe Dept. in Tower City and found a pair of black dress shoes. They were also selling the same type of flip-flops I found there last year, though redesigned a little, so I purchased two brown and two black. I now have several pairs of sandals and three pairs of clogs along with the necessary dress shoes for work, so I am just about set.

The thing is, while I was at DSW in Great Northern Mall, I saw that they have a much larger selection of shoes than what was available at the Crocker Park store. Such beautiful shoes. All in my size. I was nearly crazed with lusting. Yes, that pesky little desiring what you can't have. Thankfully I did not spend my entire paycheck there. But I am going back after next payday to check out the boots they have in the clearance section. I have brown hiking boots but no brown dress boots. I have one pair of black boots, but I wear them so often it would be nice to have another pair or two to switch off with.

When I got home, I realized I needed to organize my closet a little. I had a pair of brown sandals that never were very comfortable (having 3" heels) but were very cute, whose inner soles had become worn. They had pretty bead decorations so I cut the thongs from the soles to recycle the beads for another project. Another pair of sandals I had were off-white in color. The thongs were decorated with beads and seashells. Again, very cute but they didn't have good traction. If you wore them on a wet day in the summer you would be sure to slip on the sidewalk. Not a good thing. Here, too, I separated the thongs from the sole so I could reuse the beads. I had another pair of dress shoes that were very worn and kind of squished from having been under some luggage on the floor of my closet. Those went into the discard pile. I also tossed the shoeboxes the new shoes came in, except for the brown dress shoes as they are a bit snug in the toe area. I have to check and see if they are man-made or leather uppers. If they are leather, they will probably stretch a little, so that would make returning them unnecessary. Man-made uppers don't stretch. I know this from experience. Anyway, these changes made my closet look more tidy and that was what I was going for.

I just finished reading "Creating Myself" by Mia Tyler, daughter of Aerosmith legend Steven Tyler. She has had a pretty crazy life, some of which I can relate to. She is really good at not caring about what others think and I don't do that too well. I like having people's approval, especially if they are in positions of authority. I'm working on that because I want to be making decisions based on what I really want, not what someone else wants me to do.

I took a lot of notes while reading the book. Some really good affirmations were there, along with HOPE! Hope that I don't have to make the same mistakes because I have learned from the ones I made in the past. Why? Because I am older, stronger and wiser. Another saying paraphrased is, "I seldom end up where I wanted to go, but always end up where I needed to be" -- Douglas Adams. Another one that struck me was said by a fellow addict when Mia was in rehab. "Maybe if both of our mothers had been in therapy as young women, neither of us would be here." Makes you think. If others had made different decisions in their lives, how would my life have transpired?

Here is part of a discussion between Mia and one of her counsellors while in rehab addressing things that she had experienced as a little girl:

"You're older now. You are stronger and smarter. And hopefully you can see that you have a choice. You can choose to do nothing and continue as you were before you came here. But then you don't grow. You can't realize your potential. You remain stuck in the past. Or you can acknowledge that what happened to that little girl (you) was bad and painful and wrong and then move on with your life. I'm not saying to forget it happened. You can't ever do that. But don't dwell. Don't let it hurt you forever. In fact, use it to make you stronger."

"Easier said than done," Mia said.

"I didn't say it was easy," replied the counselor.

Yeah, that's what I am learning, too. I am seeing a therapist every two weeks and have been able to talk with her about things I have never spoken about or even journaled about. I had a "little girl incident" happen at work yesterday, so at the end of my session, I told my therapist about it. I said that when my boss lost his temper and did not own his side of things, I feel like crying, crawling under my desk, pulling the chair in front of me to protect me and sucking my thumb for comfort. My therapist asked me what I would do in that situation. I replied that I would bend down and pick up that little girl and comfort her and tell her that I would keep her safe. I would then stand up to my boss who was making an uncomfortable work environment and ask him to change what he is doing. If he wouldn't change, I could leave for a little while so I could be safe. I said that I was afraid I would lose my job if I did that. But really, my boss has been known to back down like a typical bully when people stand up to him. I think it would work out ok. Fortunately, nothing further transpired at the office and this situation did not even materialize.

Leaving my therapist's office, I was playing a Leesville Mix cd in my car and the presence of God was so strong with me. I was crying as I drove out of the parking lot overwhelmed by the grace and love of God who helped me face my fears, talk about them with someone who is safe and followed that up with an extra helping of his love. Very cool! I am grateful!

Feeling better!

Well, my back is finally feeling better two weeks after the massage from hell. I've been using a heating pad as often as I could up until a couple of days ago. I'm finally getting some benefit from stretching. My muscles were so tight that it was not very effective for me to do stretches but I have tried little by little and can now feel the difference.

I have another massage scheduled for this Friday -- Thai massage this time -- with Sarah Chieky. Thai massage incorporates yoga positions and stretches with massage making it a more complete experience for me, especially when I have tight muscles. Sarah seems to know where to massage and just how much pressure to apply. I have never had a problem after a massage with her. Guess I should stick to a good thing instead of whoring around with other massotherapists!

I'm just so grateful to be feeling better. It felt like the pain would never lessen and the muscles would never unclench. All things come in time, right?

Looking forward to Friday and doing my stretches in the meantime....