This is why I don't like telling people where I work!

It's so I can complain anonymously about my boss! I was looking at before and after pictures of some celebrity who recently lost weight and my boss comes by my desk at looks at my computer screen. He says, "That can't be the same person! How could they balloon up like that?" This from a man who never takes a lunch break and because he is very slim, I believe he doesn't eat properly. He wasn't always so slim. He has chubby cheeks in his college graduation photo!

Anyway, I'm just a bit sensitive today. I was exposed to some of my mother's disapproval yesterday and it set me off on a tangent. The only way we can have a relationship is if she doesn't talk about the things she doesn't like about me and I don't talk about the things I don't like about her and dad. My mother and I have been having telephone conversations lately which have been pleasant. This led to the belief that we could meet in person and still have the same connection that we had been enjoying. Not so! When you meet in person one's facial expressions get put into the mix. It is no longer two people being verbally self-controlled. Now we have to control our entire bodies. I guess you can't always control your facial expressions, though. That's what started it off. I saw that she was displeased with something and when I asked her what was wrong, she declined to give me details saying that she thought I would be offended. She's usually right when it comes to that, so I tried to just let it go. Later, though, I was really bothered by the fact that I had displeased my mother and I was totally clueless. Knowing her it could have been my nail polish or makeup (when I was growing up my parent's church didn't believe in women wearing makeup) or the fact that I have two tattoos that I don't always cover up. I could not think what it was. Turns out it was because my mother thought my neckline was cut too low. I thought I had stopped caring what my mother thought years ago, but that's not so and is one of many reasons why I am in therapy.

I went off on mom saying that we can have a relationship only if we limit the topics of our conversation. She said she thought she was doing that. I thought it was a mind fuck. Start to say something and cut yourself so you can mess with the other person's head. In truth, I can't imagine my mother ever doing that. She tells it like it is and does not pull any punches. I'm not saying she is not tactful, but she is clear about where she stands.

It really touched a sore spot, though. You see, I grew up with my mother scolding my older sister and me about the clothes we wore by repeatedly saying, "Do you want to tempt your father?" We were taught that our father needed his world censured to "avoid temptation". This meant tearing out all underwear ads from the newspaper and all catalogs. I, myself, remember doing this with gusto, because it was the right thing to do. There was no reason to tell anyone that my mother thought we could tempt our father sexually so I never got an outside opinion on the subject. As an adult looking back, I think: "Who is sexually attracted to their young daughters?" Anyway, my mother does not remember saying this to my sister and me. I know it is true, though, because I asked my brother if he remembered it and he said he did. Anyway, after cooling down, I apologized to my mother for saying she had given me a mind fuck. It was exactly how I felt but, in retrospect, she didn't do anything wrong, so I felt I had come across as a bit harsh.

I was still upset even though I had cooled down. I talked to a friend about it but it didn't help much. I tried to journal about it, but that didn't do much either. I finally called my therapist and asked her for a mantra to focus on relating to this. She suggested: "I am loved even when my mother disapproves." She asked how I felt about that. I said I am thinking, "Loved by who?" She asked if I believed my mother loved me and I said I do. Her suggestion then was: "I am loved by my mother even when she disapproves." This helped some. I went through my meditation books and wrote about some of the ideas for the day. One of those things was this quote by Thomas A'Kempis: "Many things must thou pass by with a deaf ear, and think rather of the things that are for thy peace. It is more profitable to turn away thine eyes from such things as displease thee than to be a slave to contention. " Sounds good, doesn't it? I'm trying to put that in practice.